Resume in Red Ink


[metuh-fawr, -fer] Spell Syllables

a figure of speech in which a term or phrase is applied to something to which it is not literally applicable in order to suggest a resemblance, as in “A mighty fortress is our God.”.

Compare mixed metaphor, simile (def 1).

something used, or regarded as being used, to represent something else; emblem; symbol.

Now that you have become an educated individual thanks to the letter “M”, please read the following reports:

There are four kinds of employees that I have had the fate of encountering…

  • The Captain Without a Ship: Charismatic, gregarious, and competent, the Captain was an easy hire. The interview was textbook perfect, if not more so by the magnetic appeal that is so innate it causes an amicable jealousy that is only soothed by immediate hire. Naturally well adjusted to the office, the Captain rises through the ranks in expectation of complete company domination. Fortunately for the sailor, he is met with no opposition from any member; his magisterial status has been earned justly and openly.  Blinded by the knight’s shining armor, the company unquestionably has left full charge to the capable male only to abandoned during merger or sunken ship.
  • “Its not you, its me”: The applicant has completed all phases of the hiring process and has satisfactorily entered the company where he was accepted graciously and trustingly. To the date, all tasks have been completed in a timely manner according to company policy via approved protocol. It is on pay day, however, after a week of light lemon grind and training, that the particular requests a quick contest with the superior. Ah, it seems that after just a a few short days the seemingly dedicated man has concluded that the position for which he was hired is not a fit in his life, at this moment, or in the future. The path the company paves does not suit his life expectations, but he does wish to resign under friendly circumstances should anything change.
  • Stonewall Jackson: He is a passing wind, barely even a candidate for description, the aspirant has submitted his impressive resume to Human Resources. International travel, international residency, education, and athletics are among the few features that resound with what reads as a manuscript of his life. To add further to his fortune, he has applied directly with an influential member of the company and bypasses the general formalities of the process. Unfortunately, once the company reaches out to concrete the hire, the applicant disappears. As if confronted by a stonewall, the company is halted and dumbfounded by the discourteous rejection and disenchanted by the dodgy and discomposed cowardice demonstrated. 
  • The Little Engine That Could: Unlike the other members of this list, The Little Engine That Could is not a cautionary tale; it is one of ideals and rather warning to the company on judgement and censorship. He comes into work early every morning but does not clock in until it is 9 am and he stays late, “I can get a head start on work today”, he says optimistically. He finishes everything on time and even comes into work on his days off it is requested of him. During the application process he breezed in with a nonchalant charm that seemed genuine and real; it was a hassle free transaction and a refreshing addition. Somehow his resume was not an issue, the fact that it may have been improperly formatted or that his stationary was downright bromidic was overshadowed by the inextinguishable enthusiasm that persists. So it is inexplicable how through all of this recognition, the company dances with suspicion and reluctance. What more can he do? A sophisticated company identifies like the legal system characterized by branches of order, checks and balances; no castigation has been merited and while that in itself would be extreme behavior it is his curious comportment which rattles even the most accepting company culture. 

To Do: Metaphrase appropriately.


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