What do you call it when you ask yourself questions you simultaneously know and not know the answers to?
I am there right now, in that silence where there is no clear vision or path after so much certainty. In that stillness, I find comfort, because staring into the dark would bring about a wave of unnecessary anxiety, a feeling I brush shoulders with casually when I still see so much dust on the road.
When I set out on this trip, there had been no moment of doubt in my planning nor in my execution. But when rejection becomes the norm, the strange calm that overtakes you is false tranquility, like a horse with shielded vision, I have tricked myself into actually believing that there is no pressure. And, because I believe this, I am actively living in a world of “it will work out”…somehow it always does and so then again I question, where is all of this going?
There have been many contributors to the vast unknowing from employment rejections, to criticism of character and intelligence, to poor choices made that have me feeling as though I do not even know myself. When I weigh them out, I can gauge which truly reach the core of my concern; the choices. Surrounding my already guilty, grieving, and heavy self are constant reminders manifesting themselves as intense fathers who fluctuate from inspiring and guiding to distant and critical, to the left overs of gentleman callers who are unfulfilling, to the slightly mocking but certainly embarrassing GMAT prep book barely dented, and a few dirty dishes slowly piling up in my bedroom which I refuse to wash. Additionally, as one who has a special appreciation for astrology, I has been born on the Virgo-Libra cusp (The Cusp of Beauty)…I see no beauty here, but the astro-similie of a cat lying in the sun seems pretty accurate.
Let me briefly return to the gentleman callers. I initially started this whole writing adventure as a result of a breakup. I had always been drawn to writing and creative tendencies but it was not until this bump in the road that I was able to channel that je ne sais quoi-inspiration into something that actually felt liberating and freeing (like those creative types say it should feel). I suppose in channeling my sadness and confusion into words, each entry was a rose petal of pain that was shed and I began to feel lighter.
About at the same time I begun to receive so much male attention I could hardly believe it because when I found myself alone, no matter how confident I feel or how attractive I think I am, there is a sense of doubt and even fear that someone will not come around. Well they did come around, and each one has been different, all giving me something to learn from, a new quality to appreciate or dismiss, none has filled the feeling that lost love leaves. Naturally, I hardly expected them to and I honestly do not want them to try because the petals are still falling and I see that their attempts only prolong the petals from withering. At times, I could not possibly feel more empty than when a young man is telling me that I am lovely because I am not ready for any of them especially wrong ones. Despite all of this self-awareness, however, I have not changed my actions, I have not tried preserving myself because taking that step would be difficult and because I know that what I am looking for is a personal challenge. To explain: I see the discomfort I feel, I know I want to recover and know myself more, but if I am not testing myself or confronting myself with obstacles then how can I grow. From a “me” standpoint it makes complete sense…from an outside…maybe I look like an emotional cutter. In any case, I find solace in awareness and that is unquestionably a characteristic I am familiar with.
So the other culprit aside from choices I have made, is the ironic antithesis, indecision. I mentioned a road with dust on it prior; at times the road is under my feet or it is 20 paces to the right. I move forward and still I am back…that’s life right? Sure, but I’ve been standing in the same place for some time and my judgement is blurred. I know I have accomplished many things for my age and ambitions but apparently they are the wrong accomplishments because they are unappreciated by those who open the gates for me leading me to question, not my achievements, but the road I am scouting. Judging this path based on others is the wrong option as well; I am a waspy, acrimonious young lady and while I am happy for the path others find victory in, using it as a model for my own life makes me a peevish spectator so lets not even go there.
Lucky for me, I just finished reading The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho (in Spanish no less) and I have learned the following: we all have a Personal Legend that must be fulfilled, and this legend comes from our dreams which are told to us by our hearts. Even if you have stopped listening to your heart, hearts never stay quiet, they keep the dream within them hoping you will listen, but if you have no intention of pursuing your legend, they will whisper quietly so that you will not feel anguish from ignoring them and neither will they. If there is anything a heart dislikes more, it is suffering from desire. Now if you do pursue your Personal Legend, the whole Universe will conspire to make it happen for you. On that voyage you must listen to your heart closely and learn to understand the Language of the Universe because it is the language of the desert, of the moon, the wind, the sun and the sky, and when you listen you become part of that Universe which will guide you.
Is it fair to say that stress can manifest itself from patience? Can I say that a no-pressure outlook causes the most pressure? I would say so. I find that there are moments in out lives when we are in a conscious states of disorder, confusion, and uneasy limbo, knowing that there is reason for change but choosing to stay just a bit longer while having the full intention to move forward just because at this moment this is my life and this is what is happening to me. This IS where I am at the moment and it is neither a joyous experience or an agonizing undertaking, it just is. Assuming that the Universe will conspire with me, there is a heart I have been ignoring, and it must be true because if you ask me right now what it is I want to do, and where it is I am going (i.e. where do you see yourself in 5 years?) it would be nonsense. I have a loose plan of what it is I should be doing or could be doing, but it does not feel like magic. I want to know the magic of changing silver into gold and reading the sacred words of the emerald.
My solution is simple and it is to listen while remaining active. There are jobs I could take in the mean time, there are books I can read to keep learning, and most importantly, a heart I should be straining to hear over anything that is occurring if I want to salvage what I still do not know. In conclusion, this is not advice and it is not the perpetual state of a 20 something, this is just my life right now.